Someone described the grief process like waves – in the beginning the waves are high and they come fast and crash down over you. In time, like the tide the waves go in and out and they aren’t always crashing around you.

In keeping with this metaphor, I experienced what I would call a Tsunami. Two of them actually. Unlike a real tsunami, there was no warning, a blind spot. A trigger that I could not have expected, both times.

The first time was last Monday at work. An email came in from the staff trip team advising me that it was time to pay the deposit for the trip to Kenya. I opened up the email, read it all the way through to the point where I had to put my credit card in for the deposit. I couldn’t do it. I know I WILL do it, but I wasn’t ready.

My friend had sent me her daily check in text at that moment. It came at the right time and I was okay. Until I looked at my phone list. I didn’t see Heath’s name. Tsunami. It hit me that his name would move further down the list as time went on. I couldn’t stop the tears and just put my head down on my desk.

After some time, I started to take deep breaths and survived the wave. I am not going to lie, it was rough.

The second one happened Sunday night. I went to the movies. I love going to the movies. I think that escaping for a couple of hours into whatever genre of movie you enjoy is necessary and good for your health.

Popcorn, chocolate and freestyle pop in hand off I went to see Crazy Rich Asians. Opening scene when they arrive in Singapore is of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel.  When Heath and I were in Savannah we watched a show on Netflix called Amazing hotels, life beyond the lobby. They went behind the scenes of this hotel.

The movie was very enjoyable. Laughs, love, angst, all your typical Rom-Com ingredients. I love Rom-Com so that works for me. As the final scene ends, and the credits start to roll, Tsunami. That I was actually having a good time. I wasn’t going to be talking to Heath about seeing the hotel in the movie that we saw the show about. Tears. Couldn’t get up to leave the theatre.

I am very self aware and realize that this is normal. This is going to continue to happen. That is why they are called blind spots. We don’t know what we don’t know. Some days will be like Tsunamis and other days will be low tide. In time, there will be days where my feet don’t even touch the waves. I will wait for those days. For now, the waves are sill high and crashing over me.

Live your best life,

Lisa

Grief is a fingerprint. No two are the same. 

In my life I have lost all my grandparents and one friend Aviva. Now two friends. Not one of these passings is the same. The love I felt for my grandparents is different than the love for Aviva. The love for Heath is different than the one for Aviva.

Everyone has been saying that you go through “this” in your own time and in your own way. This I understand. For the past two weeks I have been having many meaningful conversations with many different people. Taking lessons from each one. At the end of day, when I am at home in my house I still want to just send Heath a message – U home? That would result in my phone ringing within seconds.

Yesterday I would have told him about the co-worker that made time in his day for a walk and talk coffee. His first words as we started walking, “Tell me about Heath”. For the next hour we spent talking about Heath, our friendship, hopes, plans. We talked about Kenya.

I talked the other day about time and how I am feeling about time. I can’t imagine today going to Kenya. But the trip is five months away. As hard as that is to even imagine, I will get on a plane and get to Kenya. We talked about how I could honour Heath in Kenya and share my experience with him in spirit since he will not be with me in the present. By my side, I believe he will be there, but I can’t feel that right now.

Today all I can think about is that he is not here. It pisses me off actually, since I know if he were here he would be helping me work out my feelings about this.

In the past three months I attended four funerals. After each one, we talked. We talked about the person, and he always had a helping thought to allow me to move through how I was feeling so that I could not ‘live in that space’ for too long.

Live in this space for too long. This is what I need to focus on. There is no textbook answer on how to live “in this space” as each person lives in it in their own way. Like a fingerprint, each one different.

That is all I have for today.

Live your best life,

Lisa

#Heathlessons

Time…is a word that, over the past ten days I have really started dislike. What is time? How can we quantify it? For a child who doesn’t have a long attention span, time is 3 minutes in a time out. For an adult, time moves too quickly. Not enough of it. Meetings are too long, visits with friends are too short.

Time. It is about an hour drive from Oklahoma city to Wanette Oklahoma. How do I know that? That was the amount of time we were on the phone when Heath was driving home from the city, from a meeting with his clients, from work, or from dinner with Brad.

Time. During these drives there was never a dull moment. Lots of swearing as Heath would be cursing out a driver who was driving too slow in the fast lane (there is an actual law in Oklahoma), a daily debrief from our work days, to the mundane questions about what you ate today. Many of the times there was an interruption of a call coming in, which would result in a call back. Never minded as time was always set aside for these calls.

Time. Talking all the way home and knowing when Heath was home because all of sudden I would hear, “Okay Abby, go and make pee pee”, “get it done”. I knew he was home. Home sweet home. Conversation usually continued with another call back.

Time. Now it is up to me to make use of this time that I have now have back at the end of every day. Do something that will fill up the time. Now you can see why I dislike the word time? It is now an uncomfortable part of my day.

Keeping with the theme that music really is always on my mind, I am reminded that Hootie and the Blowfish have a song called time, which I think is a perfect place to end today’s post.

TIME