For those who know me you know that I am a spiritual person and someone that is strong in my faith. I know who I am and the values that were instilled in me growing up and guiding me through my life now. I think it is safe to say when you suffer a trauma like sudden death (or not sudden) that you are shaken to your core. Within your core are your beliefs. The question of WHY did you take this person? I know that is something I have been asking over and over again. I would make the assumption that it is a normal feeling if you believe in G-D that you would question and be angry.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend who went to attended a, what I would call, a soul seminar on Sunday. She was telling me about some of the speakers that were there and what she got out of the talks. I commented to her that I miss the learning I was doing when I got back from Israel. I know that the community that I was learning in would welcome me back anytime and I would get my ‘soul’ fulfilled with love and support.

The universe listens. I worked from home on Tuesday and received a private message from the wonderful person I was learning from those years ago. She was just checking in on me. I told her I was working from that day and that was all she needed to hear. My FaceTime rang and we had the most wonderful conversation. We talked for almost an hour about anything and everything and it was exactly what my soul needed. It is not just about sharing quotes and memes about grief, love, loss and friendship. Social media is just that, social. It is the private thoughts, private time, long nights. Longer days. Figuring out how to navigate through this is really hard.

The soul searching part this week comes from this week’s Torah portion. My friend talked to me about it and then I received an email from Rabbi Grover at Beth Tikvah (still on their database email list) and he talked about the portion this week.

The subject line of the email is Get Yourself going.

Here is an excerpt from this email:
The great medieval commentator Rashi understood Lekh Lekha in literal terms. He read it as, “Go for you.” Rashi wrote that the command means, “Go for your own enjoyment and for your own good.” God is telling Abram that this is not just a command to leave home, it is an invitation to adventure, wonder and self-discovery.

Lekh lekha is the commandment that stands at the beginning of Jewish identity. If Rashi is right, it is a journey that does not serve God’s purposes alone, but Abram’s too. We might say that Lekh Lekha is the most basic commandment of Torah, calling us to move forward, to try new things, to be a better person than you thought you could be — and to do it knowing that it is for your own benefit and enjoyment.

Abram became a Jew in the moment when he left behind the pain of the past, broke away from the familiar, and embraced an unknown future with an unknown destination. That is the secret of life. None of us knows where life is taking us. Life is richer, more meaningful and more fulfilling when we embrace the unknown and resist the tendency to play it safe, to lay low, or to settle. Don’t wait for life. Don’t miss out on the pleasure of reaching higher. Keep alive with adventure, even when life knocks you around. Pick yourself up. Get yourself going.

This last paragraph says it all:

None of us knows where life is taking us.
Life is more meaningful and fulfilling when we take chances
Don’t wait for something to happen or you will miss something greater than you expected.
When life knocks you down, you have to get back up.

Shabbat Shalom my friends. Thank you for reading and thank you for all your love and support.

live your best life,

Lisa

I know you are sad, so I won’t tell you to “have a good day”.
Instead I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself, wear comfortable clothes and don’t give up on yourself just yet.
It’ll be better soon. Until then, have a day.

Today I went outside at lunch. I very rarely leave the office during the day, which I know is not mentally healthy, but with the best intentions the days go by without leaving.

WE has several buildings that line Queen Street East. It is very normal to see people walking briskly with their white badges around their necks with their WE laptops in their arms. Even if you don’t know someone you smile and say hello because you are part of the same club.

Today I would have been okay to not say hello to anyone. It has been a challenging couple of days. Not any more or less than the past couple of months, but just not in a great head space.

Walking towards me was a work friend. Someone I had gotten to know the past six months because we worked on the same floor of the building. She recently moved to a different work space so we don’t really see each other anymore. She smiled and asked, “how are you?” I am pretty used to saying the normal, “Okay, thank you.” For most people, that is enough and they are somewhat relieved and they can move on. Not today. She looked at me and said, “are you okay?”

She knows what “Okay” really means. She lost her mother a few years ago to a sudden death. I wouldn’t have known this but I shared my story and she shared hers. She told me today that she had to help her brother this week. He had a car accident and totaled his car. His mother’s car. In that moment we were both reaching for our own words to help each other.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Maybe you don’t want or need to care about someone else’s battles because you own yours. There is a saying that if everyone put all their problems in a pile, you would be sure that you would take your own back. I think that is true.

I appreciated that she asked me how I was today, and didn’t leave it at okay. I walked away more at peace with knowing someone cared enough to ask.

She also offered me some book advice that helped both her and her brother. As she started to describe it, I stopped her. I said, let me guess, Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. She said yes, how did you know. I told her it has been recommended to me three times already.  The message is clear, this book helps people.

Option B – Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. I ordered it, and opened it. Too soon. The first time I couldn’t get past page 4. Second time, page 10. She said her brother told her that he was going to read it again this week to help him work through the car accident. Maybe it is time to start it again.

It’ll be better soon. Until then, have a day. 

Live your best life,

Lisa

In a previous post I wrote about how grief is like a fingerprint no two are the same. As I move through this process I have also come to feel like grief is also very much like your shadow, it is always with you.

As many of you know, I have an opportunity to go with WE to Kenya this December. It is an incredible gift that the Organization enables their staff to take part in. Every other year the staff have a chance to go to one of the WE villages and have a once in a life time experience.  You are also encouraged to invite family and friends to come with you at a special price. It is a chance to share with them the reason why you do what you do every day.

I first heard about the staff trip at my job interview in July 2017. I remember walking out of the interview and getting back in my car and looking in the mirror – this is my job and I am going to Kenya next year.

When I was in Oklahoma last December I invited Heath to come with me on this trip. His support and encouragement was such a large part of everything that had to do with Me and WE that it was a given that I would want to include him on this part of my journey.

One of our last conversations the night before he passed away was that when he came back from DC we would book our tickets for the trip.

While working through this crazy grief process I have been back and forth about going or not going to Kenya.  How could I go now I first thought. I couldn’t imagine seeing the Giraffes without him since we watched that show on Netflix about Giraffe Manor, or the graduation at Kisaruni since Education was so important to him. Any of it for that matter.

Then there were a few weeks where I just didn’t think about Kenya at all. Partially because the people at work in charge of booking the flights told me I had time and not to worry. Don’t make any decisions yet, they said. So I didn’t. But now I need to.

Grief is a shadow

Some friends were over for lunch last week. Kenya was a topic. It seems to be a constant running topic in my life. One friend said it best. The sadness will follow you wherever you are. It is how you choose to let the sadness in and absorb that is the difference. You can choose to NOT going to Kenya, stay home in Toronto, in the winter, over holiday break and be sad. You can choose to GO to Kenya, be with a group of like minded co-workers having this experience of a lifetime, still be sad, still be wishing that Heath was there experiencing this you. Sadness, the shadow that follows you wherever you are will be there. You can let it in, and then you can go see giraffes. Then you can go to the water walk. Then you can go help build a school. Then you can go bead with the Mamas.

The thing about shadows is you see them when the sun is shining.  You have to remember that they are there even when it is cloudy and dark. They are part of the light of your life. They are behind you pushing you through the hard times when you aren’t sure you can move forward. They are in front of you cheering you as you take on challenges that will help you grow. They are beside you in life.

I am thinking that me and my shadow need to go to Kenya.