Dear 2018,

Today is December 14th and there are 17 days left of your year. I hope you don’t mind that I will be happy when 2018 is over and 2019 can begin. I know that you are going to tell me that everyone feels this way at the end of every year, but this year, or at least the back six months, has been less than kind.

I would like to say that working on the glass is half full theory of life that I should celebrate the good, or the wins as one would say of this year.

Y’all know I like to celebrate my birthday and this year I went to Savannah, Georgia to celebrate and it did not disappoint. Birthday lunch at Paula Dean’s restaurant Lady and Sons, lots of great local delights like fried green tomatoes, corn bread, fried chicken, collard greens and pralines. You can also drink in the street in Savannah only one of I believe 7 cities in the US that you can do that. (make a note for future reference).

In June after I had binged watched the entire series of Scandal (separate post on that to follow), Designated Survivor and Madam Secretary it was time to go to Washington DC. We did not find Olivia Pope and Fitz, President Kirkman or Elizabeth McCord but we had a fantastic time seeing the sights and eating great food. Little did I know that was going to be the last trip I would have with Heath, but at the same time I am happy to say that it was a fantastic trip with great memories that will now have to carry me through.

My parents finally decided in 2018 that it was time to leave their home of 45 years and make the move across the street (literally) to condo living in Thornhill. Getting them ready for the move was a daunting task after a lifetime of ‘life’ collection, but we did it. They are happy in their new home, and it is beautiful. I wish them well as they move into their next chapter of life.

The best shining moment in the back half of your year was just last month at my niece’s Bat Mitzvah. Tradition is such an integral part of our lives and celebrating milestone’s with family and friends is a blessing that we should all cherish. My niece was so impressive with her delivery of her Torah portion, wise with her words and stunning in her beauty. Celebrating her all weekend was exactly what my heart and soul needed.

It was just before the Washington trip that you (2018) started what turned out to be a rough year for loss in my life and people around me. Many of my parents friends became widowed this year, and then on July 24th, you took Heath from our lives. Not to mention mental health issues and self harm, and of course most recently that damn C word, Cancer. I think that this year can be summed up in my world as two times, before and after July 24th.

Working through the grief process has been one heck of a bumpy ride. As was told to me many times, no one can tell you how long it will last, what it will feel like and how you work through it. It truly is an individual experience that we will all have to go through. Many words of comfort were given and this sums it up best – the only way to get through it is to go through it. No truer words were ever told to me.

But, through it all, oh hard 2018, I am still standing. You have not knocked me out. Down for a short count here and there, yes I would say so. But not down for good. Not just ‘showing up’ or calling it in, but actually getting the tasks at hand done. Even in those first few weeks, getting my parents ready for moving day, and then actually executing the move and making sure that they were okay. That was a huge task that was completed with success.

Getting through the next 17 days will again be a challenge. Knowing that at the start of 2018 the planning discussion about going to Kenya started and knowing that the Kenya part of 2018 will not be happening is going to be hard.

I would like to end with thanking 2018 for the gifts and the lessons that you taught me. Life is not easy, not even close. Life lessons are all around you each and every day. It is not easy to choose happy every day, or even every other day, but it is a choice. Every day that we open our eyes and get out of bed we choose the day we are going to have. There are days where staying in bed feels like the best answer for the day, but making the choice to get out of bed is always a step forward to possibilities. Life is about possibilities and the opportunities to choose them. This was one of many gifts that Heath gave me and I will take that forward as I say good bye to you 2018 and say hello to my new friend 2019.

I am sure you will hear from me again before 2018 and I break up for good, but for now I will wish you to live your best life,

Lisa

I don’t love roller coasters. The slow creaking anticipation of that first climb into the sky, and then that mid air suspension when you know that the s**t is about to go down, but you are not sure if you are going to laugh, scream, cry and maybe have an accident right there on the ride.

I think it is pretty safe to say that for the last three and a half months I have been on a never ending roller coaster loop. The highs and the lows. The creeping anticipation of going to Oklahoma City in September and the ride that was to now.  Each week is an up down ride of feelings, thoughts and memories. As much as I would love to get off this ride, I am riding in the car of life that has locked me in for the long ride.

All through this roller coaster ride was the finish line. The end of the year. The trip to Kenya.

One week I was riding the ‘going to’ Kenya coaster, the next week it was the ‘not going’ to Kenya coaster. Never really sure, much like waiting in line for the ride saying to yourself, “do I really want to do this? Why would I want to do this? Why wouldn’t I want to do this?”

I was getting good at deflecting the answer. I put down the deposit so I was good for a while. Waiting in line while I decided my fate of being a trip participant. Until last week. Deadline loomed. I was advised I had to pay by October 31st. Once I paid the ticket was 100% non refundable. Next in line. Do I get on or do I a abort the ride once and for all.

I have decided to abort this ride. I will not be going to Kenya with WE this December. It was not the right time for me. Many asked, “what would Heath say?” The truth is, it is not about him. It was supposed to be something we did together, but now doing it by myself was not something that was the right time for me.

My director asked me how I felt about the decision. The truth is, I am okay with it. Kenya was on my bucket list way before WE was in my life. It will still be there. I will be able to make a choice to go when the time is right for me.

For now Kenya will go from the top of the list, back down the list a bit. I have to make some travel plans because life isn’t meant to be lived in one place. New rides to enjoy, mountains to climb and enjoy the exhilaration of the experience.

Until then,

Live your best life,

Lisa

Every time you start a new job there is a probation period. It could be three months or like my job before this one, six months. It is an interesting time, because it is filled with a wide range of emotions that all are tied to change in your life that is happening.

Anxiety

You are about to embark on a new journey. Something that is familiar as you have had similar experiences in the past, but each one is different. Everything is new and you have to learn all aspects of the new role. How the processes work, what they feel like. Some of the new processes may not make sense to you, you may not like them or agree with them, but this is your new job, and you want to figure it out and make it work.

Insecurity

You knew what your life was like in your last job. It made sense. Maybe you left it because you wanted a change or you outgrew it and needed to make a change. Maybe the option wasn’t yours. Maybe you were blindsided and the job was taken away from you without notice or reason. That is the worst kind of loss, the kind that leaves you empty and lost. What signs did you miss that you could have been more aware of during your time in this space? If you saw them, what would you do differently? What kind of difference could you have made that would somehow have changed the outcome? I guess lastly, what if the outcome couldn’t be changed regardless of what you may or may not have done.

Fear

It is a new job. A new role in your life. It is scary. It is something that you haven’t done before and you have to learn how to adapt to all the ways that are expected of you in your new role. There are new processes you need to learn, people you need to work with, time you need to spend on yourself on how you are going to be in this space with your new work friends, role and expectations.

Indecision

With the probation period there is a time when both sides decide if you are the right fit for the role you have accepted and on the other side if you as the new employee feels the job is what you expected it would be. Are you meeting all the expectations that are being set out before you? There can be a mutual parting of the ways in the probation period for any reason if you feel that it isn’t working for you or the employer feels the fit isn’t right.

As you have already figured out, today is the end of the third month of my probation period of grief. Three months. I am not sure if it has moved slow or fast. I suppose at times both at the same time. On Monday night it felt like I just spoke to Heath the day before. Yesterday he felt so far away.

I had a dream last week. We were at an event and sitting beside each other. Then we weren’t. I was texting him, where are you? Is there a big line? No response. Next thing I was outside the venue and looking for him. More texting, where are you? I am waiting for you? Then I woke up.

Unlike a job that isn’t a fit, there is no option for job searching in loss. This is a permanent job that no amount of time will you ever get used to it. The learning curve of grief does not have a probation period. It is for life, your life. The life of the loved ones who are left to continue the job of life and living. This appears to the be hardest job to do.

But today is a new day, so off I go to learn some more life lessons.

Live your best life,

Lisa