In a previous post I wrote about how grief is like a fingerprint no two are the same. As I move through this process I have also come to feel like grief is also very much like your shadow, it is always with you.

As many of you know, I have an opportunity to go with WE to Kenya this December. It is an incredible gift that the Organization enables their staff to take part in. Every other year the staff have a chance to go to one of the WE villages and have a once in a life time experience.  You are also encouraged to invite family and friends to come with you at a special price. It is a chance to share with them the reason why you do what you do every day.

I first heard about the staff trip at my job interview in July 2017. I remember walking out of the interview and getting back in my car and looking in the mirror – this is my job and I am going to Kenya next year.

When I was in Oklahoma last December I invited Heath to come with me on this trip. His support and encouragement was such a large part of everything that had to do with Me and WE that it was a given that I would want to include him on this part of my journey.

One of our last conversations the night before he passed away was that when he came back from DC we would book our tickets for the trip.

While working through this crazy grief process I have been back and forth about going or not going to Kenya.  How could I go now I first thought. I couldn’t imagine seeing the Giraffes without him since we watched that show on Netflix about Giraffe Manor, or the graduation at Kisaruni since Education was so important to him. Any of it for that matter.

Then there were a few weeks where I just didn’t think about Kenya at all. Partially because the people at work in charge of booking the flights told me I had time and not to worry. Don’t make any decisions yet, they said. So I didn’t. But now I need to.

Grief is a shadow

Some friends were over for lunch last week. Kenya was a topic. It seems to be a constant running topic in my life. One friend said it best. The sadness will follow you wherever you are. It is how you choose to let the sadness in and absorb that is the difference. You can choose to NOT going to Kenya, stay home in Toronto, in the winter, over holiday break and be sad. You can choose to GO to Kenya, be with a group of like minded co-workers having this experience of a lifetime, still be sad, still be wishing that Heath was there experiencing this you. Sadness, the shadow that follows you wherever you are will be there. You can let it in, and then you can go see giraffes. Then you can go to the water walk. Then you can go help build a school. Then you can go bead with the Mamas.

The thing about shadows is you see them when the sun is shining.  You have to remember that they are there even when it is cloudy and dark. They are part of the light of your life. They are behind you pushing you through the hard times when you aren’t sure you can move forward. They are in front of you cheering you as you take on challenges that will help you grow. They are beside you in life.

I am thinking that me and my shadow need to go to Kenya.

 

 

In February 2009 I had a car accident. I remember before the accident looking at the highway sign and knowing where I was when it happened. About nine months later while in a therapy session, my doctor knew I had not driven on that piece of highway. The answer was no. It was a sunny fall day, much like today and he told me that I should go and drive on that stretch of road.

I didn’t tell anyone, but off I went. Drove up to Stouffville and just as I was about to get on the 404 Black Eyed Peas I’ve got a feeling came on the radio. Feel good song seemed to work with the timing. As I drove on the highway I passed the sign I looked back in the rear view mirror. I remember thinking literally and figuratively that this part of the story is now behind me. In my rear view. It did take time to mentally recover from the accident, but actually doing the drive put some real distance between the event and the process towards moving forward.

Heath lived in a very small town in rural Oklahoma. For someone who has always lived in a big city, Wanette Oklahoma is as far away from a big city as you can get. But Heath loved it and was proud of his home town. It is about an hours drive from the city to his town. Most nights we would spend his drive home on the phone. Conversation consisted of mundane things mostly about what we did during the day, work, etc. Because he had to drive to any given town in his area to get anything done it usually involved places on the road between here and there.

After the weekend in Oklahoma city we were on the road back to Dallas to come home. I was sitting in the front seat and as we drove by the highway signs, we passed all the familiar places, Ada, Norman, Pauls Valley and more. I was quietly thinking about all the conversations we had about living where Heath lived. As each town sign passed by me I was very aware that this would most likely be the last time I am in this area. There was a finality to the car ride, the weekend and part of my grief process.

When I arrived at Dallas airport and said goodbye to my friends I went inside to check in and it really hit me. This is part of the closure process. It was true. When I booked my ticket to go I had four weeks. Then three, then it was here. Then it was done.

Much like my car accident, celebrating Heath’s birthday and life is now part of my rear view mirror. It took a couple of weeks to get back to the healing place I was in before I left for Oklahoma. Checking in your rear view mirror gives you perspective while driving, keeping you safe and making sure you are taking care while driving. Same thing applies during grief, you can reference your past and the memories and experiences you shared with your loved one, all the while helping you work through what you need to be safe and taking care of while you heal.

Keep checking your rear view mirror,

Live your best life,

Lisa