Every time you start a new job there is a probation period. It could be three months or like my job before this one, six months. It is an interesting time, because it is filled with a wide range of emotions that all are tied to change in your life that is happening.

Anxiety

You are about to embark on a new journey. Something that is familiar as you have had similar experiences in the past, but each one is different. Everything is new and you have to learn all aspects of the new role. How the processes work, what they feel like. Some of the new processes may not make sense to you, you may not like them or agree with them, but this is your new job, and you want to figure it out and make it work.

Insecurity

You knew what your life was like in your last job. It made sense. Maybe you left it because you wanted a change or you outgrew it and needed to make a change. Maybe the option wasn’t yours. Maybe you were blindsided and the job was taken away from you without notice or reason. That is the worst kind of loss, the kind that leaves you empty and lost. What signs did you miss that you could have been more aware of during your time in this space? If you saw them, what would you do differently? What kind of difference could you have made that would somehow have changed the outcome? I guess lastly, what if the outcome couldn’t be changed regardless of what you may or may not have done.

Fear

It is a new job. A new role in your life. It is scary. It is something that you haven’t done before and you have to learn how to adapt to all the ways that are expected of you in your new role. There are new processes you need to learn, people you need to work with, time you need to spend on yourself on how you are going to be in this space with your new work friends, role and expectations.

Indecision

With the probation period there is a time when both sides decide if you are the right fit for the role you have accepted and on the other side if you as the new employee feels the job is what you expected it would be. Are you meeting all the expectations that are being set out before you? There can be a mutual parting of the ways in the probation period for any reason if you feel that it isn’t working for you or the employer feels the fit isn’t right.

As you have already figured out, today is the end of the third month of my probation period of grief. Three months. I am not sure if it has moved slow or fast. I suppose at times both at the same time. On Monday night it felt like I just spoke to Heath the day before. Yesterday he felt so far away.

I had a dream last week. We were at an event and sitting beside each other. Then we weren’t. I was texting him, where are you? Is there a big line? No response. Next thing I was outside the venue and looking for him. More texting, where are you? I am waiting for you? Then I woke up.

Unlike a job that isn’t a fit, there is no option for job searching in loss. This is a permanent job that no amount of time will you ever get used to it. The learning curve of grief does not have a probation period. It is for life, your life. The life of the loved ones who are left to continue the job of life and living. This appears to the be hardest job to do.

But today is a new day, so off I go to learn some more life lessons.

Live your best life,

Lisa