In a previous post I wrote about how grief is like a fingerprint no two are the same. As I move through this process I have also come to feel like grief is also very much like your shadow, it is always with you.

As many of you know, I have an opportunity to go with WE to Kenya this December. It is an incredible gift that the Organization enables their staff to take part in. Every other year the staff have a chance to go to one of the WE villages and have a once in a life time experience.  You are also encouraged to invite family and friends to come with you at a special price. It is a chance to share with them the reason why you do what you do every day.

I first heard about the staff trip at my job interview in July 2017. I remember walking out of the interview and getting back in my car and looking in the mirror – this is my job and I am going to Kenya next year.

When I was in Oklahoma last December I invited Heath to come with me on this trip. His support and encouragement was such a large part of everything that had to do with Me and WE that it was a given that I would want to include him on this part of my journey.

One of our last conversations the night before he passed away was that when he came back from DC we would book our tickets for the trip.

While working through this crazy grief process I have been back and forth about going or not going to Kenya.  How could I go now I first thought. I couldn’t imagine seeing the Giraffes without him since we watched that show on Netflix about Giraffe Manor, or the graduation at Kisaruni since Education was so important to him. Any of it for that matter.

Then there were a few weeks where I just didn’t think about Kenya at all. Partially because the people at work in charge of booking the flights told me I had time and not to worry. Don’t make any decisions yet, they said. So I didn’t. But now I need to.

Grief is a shadow

Some friends were over for lunch last week. Kenya was a topic. It seems to be a constant running topic in my life. One friend said it best. The sadness will follow you wherever you are. It is how you choose to let the sadness in and absorb that is the difference. You can choose to NOT going to Kenya, stay home in Toronto, in the winter, over holiday break and be sad. You can choose to GO to Kenya, be with a group of like minded co-workers having this experience of a lifetime, still be sad, still be wishing that Heath was there experiencing this you. Sadness, the shadow that follows you wherever you are will be there. You can let it in, and then you can go see giraffes. Then you can go to the water walk. Then you can go help build a school. Then you can go bead with the Mamas.

The thing about shadows is you see them when the sun is shining.  You have to remember that they are there even when it is cloudy and dark. They are part of the light of your life. They are behind you pushing you through the hard times when you aren’t sure you can move forward. They are in front of you cheering you as you take on challenges that will help you grow. They are beside you in life.

I am thinking that me and my shadow need to go to Kenya.