Every time you start a new job there is a probation period. It could be three months or like my job before this one, six months. It is an interesting time, because it is filled with a wide range of emotions that all are tied to change in your life that is happening.

Anxiety

You are about to embark on a new journey. Something that is familiar as you have had similar experiences in the past, but each one is different. Everything is new and you have to learn all aspects of the new role. How the processes work, what they feel like. Some of the new processes may not make sense to you, you may not like them or agree with them, but this is your new job, and you want to figure it out and make it work.

Insecurity

You knew what your life was like in your last job. It made sense. Maybe you left it because you wanted a change or you outgrew it and needed to make a change. Maybe the option wasn’t yours. Maybe you were blindsided and the job was taken away from you without notice or reason. That is the worst kind of loss, the kind that leaves you empty and lost. What signs did you miss that you could have been more aware of during your time in this space? If you saw them, what would you do differently? What kind of difference could you have made that would somehow have changed the outcome? I guess lastly, what if the outcome couldn’t be changed regardless of what you may or may not have done.

Fear

It is a new job. A new role in your life. It is scary. It is something that you haven’t done before and you have to learn how to adapt to all the ways that are expected of you in your new role. There are new processes you need to learn, people you need to work with, time you need to spend on yourself on how you are going to be in this space with your new work friends, role and expectations.

Indecision

With the probation period there is a time when both sides decide if you are the right fit for the role you have accepted and on the other side if you as the new employee feels the job is what you expected it would be. Are you meeting all the expectations that are being set out before you? There can be a mutual parting of the ways in the probation period for any reason if you feel that it isn’t working for you or the employer feels the fit isn’t right.

As you have already figured out, today is the end of the third month of my probation period of grief. Three months. I am not sure if it has moved slow or fast. I suppose at times both at the same time. On Monday night it felt like I just spoke to Heath the day before. Yesterday he felt so far away.

I had a dream last week. We were at an event and sitting beside each other. Then we weren’t. I was texting him, where are you? Is there a big line? No response. Next thing I was outside the venue and looking for him. More texting, where are you? I am waiting for you? Then I woke up.

Unlike a job that isn’t a fit, there is no option for job searching in loss. This is a permanent job that no amount of time will you ever get used to it. The learning curve of grief does not have a probation period. It is for life, your life. The life of the loved ones who are left to continue the job of life and living. This appears to the be hardest job to do.

But today is a new day, so off I go to learn some more life lessons.

Live your best life,

Lisa

 

 

For those who know me you know that I am a spiritual person and someone that is strong in my faith. I know who I am and the values that were instilled in me growing up and guiding me through my life now. I think it is safe to say when you suffer a trauma like sudden death (or not sudden) that you are shaken to your core. Within your core are your beliefs. The question of WHY did you take this person? I know that is something I have been asking over and over again. I would make the assumption that it is a normal feeling if you believe in G-D that you would question and be angry.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend who went to attended a, what I would call, a soul seminar on Sunday. She was telling me about some of the speakers that were there and what she got out of the talks. I commented to her that I miss the learning I was doing when I got back from Israel. I know that the community that I was learning in would welcome me back anytime and I would get my ‘soul’ fulfilled with love and support.

The universe listens. I worked from home on Tuesday and received a private message from the wonderful person I was learning from those years ago. She was just checking in on me. I told her I was working from that day and that was all she needed to hear. My FaceTime rang and we had the most wonderful conversation. We talked for almost an hour about anything and everything and it was exactly what my soul needed. It is not just about sharing quotes and memes about grief, love, loss and friendship. Social media is just that, social. It is the private thoughts, private time, long nights. Longer days. Figuring out how to navigate through this is really hard.

The soul searching part this week comes from this week’s Torah portion. My friend talked to me about it and then I received an email from Rabbi Grover at Beth Tikvah (still on their database email list) and he talked about the portion this week.

The subject line of the email is Get Yourself going.

Here is an excerpt from this email:
The great medieval commentator Rashi understood Lekh Lekha in literal terms. He read it as, “Go for you.” Rashi wrote that the command means, “Go for your own enjoyment and for your own good.” God is telling Abram that this is not just a command to leave home, it is an invitation to adventure, wonder and self-discovery.

Lekh lekha is the commandment that stands at the beginning of Jewish identity. If Rashi is right, it is a journey that does not serve God’s purposes alone, but Abram’s too. We might say that Lekh Lekha is the most basic commandment of Torah, calling us to move forward, to try new things, to be a better person than you thought you could be — and to do it knowing that it is for your own benefit and enjoyment.

Abram became a Jew in the moment when he left behind the pain of the past, broke away from the familiar, and embraced an unknown future with an unknown destination. That is the secret of life. None of us knows where life is taking us. Life is richer, more meaningful and more fulfilling when we embrace the unknown and resist the tendency to play it safe, to lay low, or to settle. Don’t wait for life. Don’t miss out on the pleasure of reaching higher. Keep alive with adventure, even when life knocks you around. Pick yourself up. Get yourself going.

This last paragraph says it all:

None of us knows where life is taking us.
Life is more meaningful and fulfilling when we take chances
Don’t wait for something to happen or you will miss something greater than you expected.
When life knocks you down, you have to get back up.

Shabbat Shalom my friends. Thank you for reading and thank you for all your love and support.

live your best life,

Lisa

I know you are sad, so I won’t tell you to “have a good day”.
Instead I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself, wear comfortable clothes and don’t give up on yourself just yet.
It’ll be better soon. Until then, have a day.

Today I went outside at lunch. I very rarely leave the office during the day, which I know is not mentally healthy, but with the best intentions the days go by without leaving.

WE has several buildings that line Queen Street East. It is very normal to see people walking briskly with their white badges around their necks with their WE laptops in their arms. Even if you don’t know someone you smile and say hello because you are part of the same club.

Today I would have been okay to not say hello to anyone. It has been a challenging couple of days. Not any more or less than the past couple of months, but just not in a great head space.

Walking towards me was a work friend. Someone I had gotten to know the past six months because we worked on the same floor of the building. She recently moved to a different work space so we don’t really see each other anymore. She smiled and asked, “how are you?” I am pretty used to saying the normal, “Okay, thank you.” For most people, that is enough and they are somewhat relieved and they can move on. Not today. She looked at me and said, “are you okay?”

She knows what “Okay” really means. She lost her mother a few years ago to a sudden death. I wouldn’t have known this but I shared my story and she shared hers. She told me today that she had to help her brother this week. He had a car accident and totaled his car. His mother’s car. In that moment we were both reaching for our own words to help each other.

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Maybe you don’t want or need to care about someone else’s battles because you own yours. There is a saying that if everyone put all their problems in a pile, you would be sure that you would take your own back. I think that is true.

I appreciated that she asked me how I was today, and didn’t leave it at okay. I walked away more at peace with knowing someone cared enough to ask.

She also offered me some book advice that helped both her and her brother. As she started to describe it, I stopped her. I said, let me guess, Option B by Sheryl Sandberg. She said yes, how did you know. I told her it has been recommended to me three times already.  The message is clear, this book helps people.

Option B – Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. I ordered it, and opened it. Too soon. The first time I couldn’t get past page 4. Second time, page 10. She said her brother told her that he was going to read it again this week to help him work through the car accident. Maybe it is time to start it again.

It’ll be better soon. Until then, have a day. 

Live your best life,

Lisa